“Sometimes to find what you are looking for, you have to stop looking.”
There are times when I look back at what my life has become; how it has shaped itself and me in the process and I wonder, ‘could I have ever imagined it would turn out this way?’ My truth is no, I could not, and it’s only now in this moment that I believe, my life has and is turning out exactly the way I chose for it to, whether I was conscious of it or not.
It’s a challenging thought to think, an uncomfortable feeling to feel, as I look back and cringe in moments when I haven’t experienced who I believe I really am, yet what comes across to me in those instants is, ‘but that’s what it is.’ In the stark face of what is, I have had to let go of what I thought it should be, and it’s here, in the space of what is, I have finally experienced the peace I have been searching for, for so long. All my life in fact.
2016 was for me like many, a year that started out full of promise, hope and joy. In the face of all that was occurring, I was determined that my move back to the UK from my beloved Australia would propel me professionally and personally into a stratosphere I could only imagine. This life did, but not at all in the sexy way I thought it should.
No, 2016 pulled me, seduced me, spun me around, tore into me, took out great swathes of what I thought was me, threw it to the ground, and left me wounded, bleeding and at times wondering what the hell any of it was for. Even now as I remember how it felt to have those raw and piercing chunks sliced out of me, and I recall how horrified I was that I never saw any of it coming, tears well up and I feel the embarrassment, shame and guilt that I fell into the trap that I did.
I thought I was on top of the world; making choices, decisions, taking action, moving across the world, manifesting dream jobs at the drop of a hat, never once noticing or feeling the seduction of my ego, as it brought me face to face with all I was choosing. I felt I’d finally ‘got it’, (ha!) as success after success came in rapid succession, and so when I finally started seeing the threads at the edges coming undone, I threw myself in even more fiercely, grabbed those threads and dug in.
Suffice to say, you know how it went. The unravelling started slowly, but by September I was a shell of myself, utterly incapable of knowing how I was feeling, what I was thinking, what I was doing and it was beginning to show. My professional life was falling apart, my family were becoming very concerned, as they’d never seen me like this before, and all the while my mind was simply screaming, ‘What the f**k?’ How could it be all going so wrong? The only light in the darkness were my family, the friends I had made and the move I was making from Manchester to Edinburgh, sensing at some level there would be light at the end of the tunnel. My eternal optimism is hard to crush even in the darkest times!
When I finally realised I had been living the lie of my ego; the one I thought I had extinguished, the one which said in my success based on spirituality, I would feel the fulfillment of who I was and am and would be, I remember falling to my knees in my newly moved into flat that I was loving, (yet not truly feeling the joy of it) and I cried until I could cry no more.
Sobbed would be a far more accurate description. The kind of sobs that have you hiccuping like a bull seal, expelling water from every facial orifice it can find until eventually you collapse, your heart beating harder than ever, your tummy aching from all the muscle gymnastics it has vaulted through, yet feeling a peace that only complete and utter surrender, the kind where you give everything, and I mean everything up and out of you. To who and what I have no idea. I just knew in some part of me, that whatever I had been holding on to had been given up and in a sense taken from me, because I finally let go of my death hold on it!
Like many, I have been on the quest of me; the desire to know and experience who I truly am, so I can scale the heights of that which I believe I am destined for, even if it is my dream alone. What I hadn’t realised was how inured I’d become in my own ego-filled spirituality, thinking I had answers when in truth I was simply living the lie I had fallen hard for. The one I think we all fall for. That if I just be this, do this, then it will all fall into place. My life would be a realm of positivity and success, and I would be a leader. Or whatever it is we aspire to. What a crock of s**t! For me, anyway.
I wasn’t happy, fulfilled or successful. I felt empty, unable to understand why what I was doing wasn’t working and why I had lost all my passion and commitment for that which I felt I sincerely, wholeheartedly and spiritually believed in. My raison d’etre. High Value Woman. My coaching. My writing. My relationships. My vocation. It all felt empty, and yet I knew it was what I chose.
So, how could this unravelling help me come home? Back to me, my truth and what I really choose? Gratitude for being alive. Peace in every part of me, even in the face of utter chaos. Joy that bubbles out and flows everywhere like a child let loose in a meadow. Abundance that is so much more than money. Love. Love that makes you reach for the heavens and know even in the depths of hell, that it is all still Love, and you wouldn’t change it for anything.
I yearned to feel the love of all I chose, especially my vocation of High Value Woman and what it stood for in such a way that I would know; this would be how I would spend eternity. Deep within the bowels of what I love; helping to give women back to themselves in such a way, they own their worth and ask for everything they want in their careers. To be the leaders we desire, choose and need to be, in a world that truly needs women to step up in their authentic, undeniable raw power; a power that can and must change the world.
I look out into the world in 2017, and as much as my anger is stirred (sometimes to boiling point), it is the anger of injustice and inequality that I struggle to bear, and I want to find a way that is in alignment to who I am and choose to be, to heal the significant rifts that are tearing us all apart. And yet a part of me knows. Maybe we need to be split asunder. Torn from that which we cling to, because they are the false gods. The empty emblems that have never served us, but which we thought would, only now to discover, that story was never meant for us.
I firmly believe all we are experiencing is because we have allowed fear, ignorance, apathy and a lack of ownership on all our parts to have created the word we now live in. However, instead of perpetuating the culture of blame, finger pointing, divide and conquer politics and staying quiet when we must speak out, and feeling horribly ineffectual or powerless in the face of the oncoming tide of darkness, this is the time when understanding who we believe ourselves to be and demonstrating it is more pivotal and crucial than ever before.
I am deeply confident that times of great awakening must be preceded and possibly precipitated by times of great darkness. It seems we must feel the contrast of what we don’t want, to be able to create what we truly do want. All of us. And for us to do this, maybe we need to face down the big evil monster (Trump does a very good job of demonstrating this ;)), and do it in a way where we live the truth of us from within.
And so, it is with this blog post that I signal myself back into my world, from behind my soul, heart, mind and eyeballs, and choose to write, share and develop concepts, ideas and programs (if I feel like it) which I am passionate about and which I love. And the only reason for being and doing this? Because I love it, and it’s how I demonstrate my love to and in the world.
From now on, that’s going to be my only desire, motivation and inspiration. Whatever you want to call it. I’m going to be and do whatever I be and do, because I love it and it helps me love myself in the way I choose to love others. With all of me, as unconditionally as I can. This is the biggest adventure I have ever aspired to, and it’s one that makes me smile and tremble all at once. Actually, it scares the bejeezus out of me, as slow intuitive truths begin to show me what I have signed up for. Yikes!
It’s the biggest cliché in the world, and maybe the reason we still hold onto it, as if it’s the only thing we can hold onto in this uncertain, unclear frightening world is its inherent truth. Love maybe is all you need, because it’s all there is. Till next time, blessed be.