“What you resist, persists. What you look at, disappears”
Neale Donald Walsch
It’s been a couple of weeks since I shared with you how for pretty much all of my life, I’ve been relying on my own strength and in recognising this, everything has changed to the extent I committed to no longer living this way. I now choose to rely on a power far greater than me – the Universe, Love, God – call it what you will, and I have to say, as much as the miracles are showing up (for which I am deeply grateful) I’m struggling to truly let go and surrender to this greater power.
Yep, for those of you who know me well, this is probably not very surprising to you, yet for me, overachiever that I have been, along with many other characteristics deeply embedded in my Ego, I’m finding it hard to let go of the things I know I must (for they no longer serve me) because my need to control is far beyond what I thought it was. I’m realising I don’t simply have a need to control as much as possible, everything I can in my life; the scary thing is until I saw how controlling I am, I thought I’d been controlled in my controlling!
I know you’re all on the floor laughing! 😉 I laughed too the first time I saw this about me and then I cringed, cowered, felt stupid, humiliated – how bloody thick could I be? – and proceeded to beat myself up (oh yes, Fear and my Ego had a field day that day) until Love stepped in and made me stop.
You see, I don’t simply have a need for control, I’ve come to realise I’m addicted to it. Even writing those words in black and white, putting it out here for all to see is bringing up all the emotions I felt the first time I had this realisation and it takes all of me to stop, feel and hear Love beside me remind me that beating myself up is not the answer, and it can’t be, any time I see something about myself I don’t like. I can’t heal that which I disown and the more I disown and resist it, the more it persists. That’s exactly what Fear and my Ego want – if I feel bad enough, they will get stronger and I will continue to be lost.
So, I still my beating heart, my flaming face, my chaotic mind that has already jumped in to try and find the solution and allow myself to sit with the notion of being addicted to control and how this actually plays out in my life. I’ve always been a planner and organiser; there’s nothing more satisfying to me than coming up with a plan and making it happen. I’ve done it all my life, very successfully I might add, especially in my career, but now when I sit down and try and plan the things I’m now choosing to do – write the next book, figure out how to get more copies of the last book out there, start re-building High Value Woman with the vision and mission that is now coming to me – my plans aren’t flowing. Hmm…. it’s as if I’ve outgrown that mode of creating and now more is being asked of me, but it’s coming in dribs and drabs and patience was never a virtue I had. Plus, the less I do, the more I wonder – am I on the right track? Is this how surrendering works? I haven’t a clue!
It’s not only my work where I see how controlling I’m being. In my personal life, I’ve compartmentalised, scheduled, prepared, planned and obsessed about how things should be, what I can do to make sure they are, how everything can be as I imagine them to be and found it hard to let others help me, because in my Egoistic state, I’ve imagined I know best. Even the things that are out of my control, I’ve tried to control. As if by checking my phone, I can somehow direct the course of events??? My madness has known no bounds…
In daring myself to witness myself living this way and for so long, when I do see myself like this, I feel my heart breaking and tears fall down my face, as I watch myself contort into as many shapes as I can, to try and be and do all I think I ought to, and while compassion flows from me for me, I’m angry that at forty-six years of age, maybe the things I’ve long desired for myself have stayed away from me because I was unable to let go and let Life show me the way? Immediately I hear, ‘this is an untruth’ and as the soft voice speaks, the one great bounty in all of this – remembering my commitment to living the path of Love, relying on a power greater than myself – I find a way to stop myself going down the path of judgment and censure (not always so successfully at first) and this has a level of redemption you can’t imagine until you try it for yourself.
When I see all this about me, I feel lost and as is my way now, I turn to Love as soon as I can. Sometimes Fear and my Ego slink in (they’re so sneaky!) and when I start to feel bad, it’s almost as if there’s an alarm that goes off in me and I know I’m going in the wrong direction. Feeling bad is my signal to turn around and say, ‘Love, please help me, I don’t know what to do.’ It’s hard for me to become quiet, especially when I have things to do, to try to tune into what the Universe is telling me – my immediate inclination is to do something to manage, mitigate what is going on – yet I know this is the awareness Love is showing me once more; I’m trying to control the situation.
So, you can see how I’m finding it challenging to let go and surrender because when I do, the screaming in my head starts. At first, it’s proper screaming. I’ll immediately see my Ego doing an impression of the Edward Munch painting, ‘The Scream’, (sound effects included) and of course it gets my attention. Then to ensure I understand the brevity of the situation, Ego brings Fear in and they go hell for leather showing me all the ways my not taking control (even when there’s nothing I can do) is going to make life so very awful for me…..how irresponsible I am!
My entire body contracts, tenses and goes into the classic, ‘fight or flight’ mode. My tendency is to fight. As I said above, my mind and heart go into overdrive, every part of me is ready to knock the block off whatever I must to correct what has been messed up, to put right what I imagine is wrong, even when it’s not. And often, nothing has even happened.
Have you ever felt like this? When I was younger, I think I enjoyed the adrenaline rush living this way gave me. I felt I could take on the world; most of my career as a consultant was going in troubleshooting and fixing what was apparently not working, and while this might work as a career, I see now I’ve become inured to always seeing what’s not working, what’s broken, what needs fixing (myself included) and without realising, this way of being has seeped in to become my MO.
Now I’m older though and this sensation fills me with dread. This is not the excitement, inspiration, joy or happiness at going out and conquering the world with all the dreams I have. No, this feels like hell and no part of me is aligned to it, but since it’s been my model of success for so long – the notion that if anything is going to happen, it will only happen if I make it happen all the way – and as I haven’t yet quite figured out what this new way of living is, I’m struggling to be who I want to be and do what I want to. I’m confused…what’s my part in this and what part does Love play? A question still being figured out…
There is, however, a big bright light in all of this. Having gained an awareness of who I become in the face of Fear and my Ego trying to tell me who I am, and daring myself to watch and witness myself when this happens, the time it takes to stop myself going down the rabbit hole is diminishing and my turn to Love is faster, even if it is to simply say, ‘please help me.’ In the face of much that hasn’t gone my way – hundreds of agent queries for my book gone out, rejections (though quite lovely) abound, not winning a book proposal competition, not getting a job I really wanted – even in the midst of all of this, it’s almost as if I keep hearing that soft, strong voice say, ‘Keep on. I’m here. You’re not on your own.’
In the face of things happening outside of me that make me feel quite dejected at times, what I’m noticing is regardless of how hard I’m finding it to let go and surrender, I am choosing that as the path to go on. This is the road less travelled and it’s the road I must keep taking, because in the last few weeks, I’ve felt more snippets and seeds of real gratitude, peace, joy, abundance and love inside me that have made me smile than at any other time in my life. I feel the mismatch of what’s inside me and what’s showing up on the outside, and while it has the potential to lead me into the darkness, I’m choosing the light every time. I trust that soon my outside will mirror my inside and the journey I’m taking to get there is the one I’ve been wanting to make all my life.
My reason for sharing this with you is this; my path for my work is changing. There is a sense of, ‘my life is my work’ now, but my work isn’t really my work – it’s my vocation and as a teacher, who I am being and living in all my life is what I came to teach. I believe we teach others who we are by how we live our lives. I can’t compartmentalise my professional and personal life anymore. The two are integrating without any interference from me – as if this coming together is as natural as breathing – and I’m at the start of a process of creating this new living of my life. I also know it’s going to have a huge impact on how I now move forward with High Value Woman, my writing, my consulting – everything is changing and no matter how challenging it is for me to let go, heal the screams of my Ego within and keep surrendering to Love – for me now, there is no other way.
My screams are turning into shouts and then whimpers. Soon, I imagine they will be nudges, getting my attention briefly and with a gentle smile, I will turn back around and keep going as I am.
Something for You:
- How do you let go? How well does this work for you?
- Think about how you ask for help and if like me, you struggle in letting go and asking for help, even from the Universe, see if you can dare yourself to practice it even more.
- Show yourself the ways you gain awareness of how you let go and make sure you write them down!
“You need to hear the truth about yourself as frequently as possible because your mind is so preoccupied with false self-images.”
A Course in Miracles